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What is asking for help?

Asking for help means requesting help for something you need assistance with.  Accepting help means that when someone offers assistance, you accept it.

Why is it important to ask for or accept help?

The experience of cancer or any life-threatening illness affects the entire family, as well as friends and co-workers.  Even though patients are coping with cancer, and actually receiving the medicines or having the surgery  they and their family members  may need or benefit with help from others. Spouses or partners face uncertainty and fear, crisis and interrupted schedules, or when you are tired, you would benefit from help.

How can I ask for help to maintain my personal resources?
As a cancer patient you are not alone.

Call your friends, family and anyone else who supports you.

Everyone needs support. Even if you are coping well, the additional stress puts a strain on the body, your relationships, and your quality of life.

There are no disadvantages to having support in place, in case you need it. Asking for help is a sign of strength and taking control. If asking for help is difficult for you, practice saying the words in front of the mirror. This is a very valuable technique for those who do public speaking.

How can my family members and friends help me?

Here are some suggestions you could try to gain support from family, friends and co-workers:

  • Ask others to get items on your shopping list.
  • Help my family by inviting them out and taking them places. I may be sick, but they are suffering too.
  • Ask to have your flowers watered.
  • Talk to me about the future; hope is important to me.
  • Call when you have a minute to just talk.
  • Send a card to let me know you care.
  • Help me with chores (dirty dishes, laundry, and the house work).
  • Ask them to have a positive attitude, it's catching.
  • Can you take me or my children somewhere?
  • Ask for transportation for treatment, to the doctor's office.
  • Walk or feed my pet.
  • I'd like you to just listen to me and spend time with me.
  • Ask for calls.
  • Appoint one of your friends or family to organize everyone else.

Here are some additional tips to gather support from other families of cancer patients:

  • Talk about treatment or experience.
  • Talk about your treatment.
  • Obtain suggestions for how they manage their symptoms.

When should I ask for help?

It's never too early to ask for help from a variety of sources. Ask in advance of needing the help.

This gives your family and friends time to plan too. Have friends and family assist you with:

  • Doctor Appointments.
  • Treatment appointments
  • Household chores.
  • Running errands.
  • Babysitting, or taking kids to activities.
  • Share a list "how family and friends can help".
  • Yard work.
  • Several treatments are being offered and you need to sort out what might be best for you.
  • Shopping.

When the intended help is not helpful: How to handle well-wishers:

Although friends, family and well-wishers usually speak from their hearts and are often sincere, some comments are difficult to take.

  Friends, family members, neighbors, co-workers and others may not know to talk with you about treatment or your siturtion. Approaching the topic of may be difficult for others.

The most constructive way to deal with inappropriate comments is to:

  • Either ignore it if it's particularly painful.
  • Answer questions in an evasive or general way if you want.
  • As is often the case, you may hear similar questions or comments time and time again.
  • Feeling hurt and angry by these comments is okay.  Tell them it hurts.
  • If you faced an unhelpful comment or situation, you may be surprised and shocked the first time, but you can use this experience to learn how you would want to handle the situation in the future.
  • You can share as much or as little as you want.

Here are some tips that may be helpful:

  • If the person is helpful, be straight forward and honest at whatever level feels comfortable to you.
  • Save the personal information for people who are close to you.
  • You can decide in advance who gets what level of information about you, your patients cancer and treatment. 
  • When people touch you and say "How are you really feeling?" you may want to respond by saying how you truly feel (if they are someone close to you).
  • Say you feel "fine" or "okay" (if they are someone who is a casual acquaintance).  Be honest if you want help.
  • Be prepared that some people will be uncomfortable with you and may avoid you, know you can't count on them.
  • Don't overlook someone you may not know well who is ready to be genuinely helpful.

Where can I get more information?

  • Contact your American Cancer Society at 1-800-ACS-2345 or through the Internet at: http://www.cancer.org Click on information for patients, families and friends. Look for emotional support.
  • Visit the Internet at: http://www.cancersourcern.com, a valuable resource for cancer patients, as well as health care providers.
  • Ask your doctor or nurse for suggestions.
  • Contact the National Cancer Institute at 1-800-4-CANCER or through the Internet at: http://cancer.gov Click on patient information. Look for emotional support.
  • Visit the Family Care Research Program at http://www.healthteam.msu.edu/fcrp.

References:

  1. Osse BHP, Wernooij-Dassen M, Schade, E, de-Vree B, van-den-Muijsenbergh M, & Grol, R. (2002) Problems to discuss with cancer patients in palliative care: A comprehensive approach. Patient Education and Counseling, Jul; 47(3): 195-204
  2. Buchholz, WM &Buchholz, SW. (2001) Live longer, live larger: A holistic approach for cancer patients and families. O'Reilly and Associates Inc. Sebastopol, CA. 182-190.